every second dripping off my fingertips

Friday, February 5, 2010

I'm beginning to dislike myself more and more everyday. It's not just to do with my body now. Every time something slips out of my mouth, I feel like an idiot for letting it. I do and say things I don't mean to and I end up beating myself up about it. I resent the way my body is, and what it makes me do, but I should not let it control my life. There seems to be a barrier within and around me that is preventing me from being good and better as a person. I find it hard to live my life properly now.

My insecurity has led me to believe all this, but am I wrong? Am I really better than all this? Surely these poignant questions do not help much to show how it truly feels inside of me, but this is as far as language takes me. I would like to believe I am capable of being happy and being good to the people I love but somehow there's a chain holding me to the ground, like the devil is pulling me back, pulling me away from the people I love.

I'm frightened.

somewhere a clock is ticking:
10:58 PM

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