every second dripping off my fingertips

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I am sitting here inside chatter, fooling around on the computer with Naomi. Wait, wrong. I'm fooling around. She's doing her work. I'm supposed to be studying ROR and journaling. Anyway, instead of journaling, I thought why not blog and journal about the week. I'd be killing two stones with one bird! Wait, wrong. Pardon my inability to post with the accurate use of English and sentence structure, it has been a while since I last did something like this ever since I sold my soul to Mega Mind.

Now I really hope no one except Naomi reads my blog.

I found the nature of Idiotic Period to be truly boring, mind wasting and useless 5 weeks before the whole thing actually began. I was hoping time would stop and everyone in the world would live the same way over and over again for the few weeks since I came back from Elephant Land. Such was the pain of seeing the Honourable Ones return to the fortress. A wave of annoyance flooded the land, and perhaps out of all the noble Knights, I was the greatest victim of mental deteriorating and brain cell loss. First, they tortured me with a series of brain washing sessions that extended for hours on end, and as if that wasn't enough, they dragged us out of our cells and gathered us in a large group, Knights too, to verbally berate us. All this to try and induct us into their clan, their band of brothers. We Knights, on the other hand, have a plan to change the world, to make a difference. Our spirits might have taken a beating on the last day of the brain washing when we were mentally as well as physically tortured. They brought us down to the ground, made us beg for mercy, and penetrated our minds in unholy ways. It was truly painful. I have the scars to prove it.

Days later, we got the chance to meet older Knights of the Orders before ours, men who have made a name for themselves, a legacy. They spoke with passion and life, despite their age and experience. Their experience was of most value to us, and it got me wondering how far we had to go ourselves before we got to where they were in life right now. It would be a long and arduous journey, and there will be a lot to learn and to overcome, but I can do it. At least I think so. I always become afraid of something before it actually happens. I get anxious and I dread the idea of having to face such a challenge. It weakens me, but when that event comes, I discover I can actually do it without much effort, or rather, it feels like it is not a lot of effort after I actually do it. Perhaps I underestimate myself. I am on this line that separates mediocrity from greatness, and I want to cross this line, but I cannot bring myself to make that great leap. Or perhaps I have been made to think that. But I really want to be great and honourable.

Following that, us Knights were presented with a mission of sorts. Like medieval jousting competitions, it certain felt like we were being judged as we were going along. It felt like we were lab rats in Mega Mind's glass box, running on a wheel that doesn't go anywhere, at least not until the wheel breaks, and we can then run out of the box. But how long will that take. It is always a challenge when you're told to reach the finish line and that it will be a tough journey. At the beginning, it is easy to be motivated since it hasn't dawned upon you that the road will be so long that it will seems like there is never going to be an end to it. That's my problem. If I can't see the end, I won't want to work. It is probably a problem for lots of other people as well. And I think the scientists conducting this experiment understand and see that as well. I think it is only a matter of time that us Knights, and the newer warriors in our cause finally wise up and change to become better at what they do. I believe the New Order needs experience to learn.

And then there was Friday and Saturday. I took time off and my chainmail off to spend time with my darling Naomi. We went for dinner with her mom and friends and had some nice Malay food. It was curious looking at first, because I'm so used to the boring shit I eat everyday, so this was almost alien to me. In fact, girls and guys with long hair look alien to me as well. Anyway, the food was quite okay and we had a nice time chatting (or rather laughing and making stupid faces) with Rebecca and friend. I also had the opportunity to duel Rebecca at seeing whose arm is the biggest, which I obviously lost, and showing Naomi how to do tactical signalling. It isn't very difficult if you ask me. After the scrumptious left overs, we left for Bugis where we had an unpleasant experience at a certain old cinema. No, it did not feel like we were transported back in time to one of those old ancient cinemas. It felt more like we were sent on a trip to another dimension where people were just as lazy as I am and refuse to use soap as a cleaning agent rather than plain water to mop the floor. I doubt they mopped the floor anyway. Lucky enough, the movie was a nice distraction from the stickiness I felt at the sole of my feet. Obviously The Social Network is a heavily dramatised version of how Facebook began. I mean, did Justin Timberlake really own almost half of Facebook Inc.? And is he really that smart? I thought the portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg was particularly negative as well. He was made to look like a selfish jerk incapable of social interaction with the opposite sex due to his low EQ. But, aren't all brilliant geniuses stereotypical like that? Maybe I'm a different kind of genius then.

somewhere a clock is ticking:
7:31 PM

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Being better can be either a difficult, or simple thing to aim for. The problem with it is that while it is general enough to make your mission somewhat more achievable, the idea of something as vast as "being better" can be daunting to some. For some of us, just to improve as a person can be a challenge because of several reasons. One of which might be the reluctance to change, or fear of change. To deviate from the daily norm and way of life becomes a fear from some of us. But, change is constant, whether within us or around us, and whether this change is positive or not depends on our own volition. We can choose to drive the people around us to do good, and become better people ourselves, or we could manipulate everyone around us to be rotten, and be rotten in doing so.

When I think about what I have to do to become a better person, I feel like the change I have to make is small, yet tough. I would have to change the way I live my life, the way I treat people, the way I react to things around me. My vocation calls for a high level of "situational awareness", so no more acting blur. Acting blur is always a way to avoid getting too involved in something you would not want to get involved in, and also a way of avoiding trouble should your feet be stuck too firmly in the soil and you were caught in the act, having to answer for your deeds. For me, the change I need is to be more receptive to things around, and not let the minor details go unnoticed. It is essential for every gentlemen to adopt this, and for those in my vocation, it is even more important in other aspects as well.

Hopefully these 3 weeks won't be wasted. I know the general takeaway that everyone wants is to be a better leader and sailor, but I want to be more. I need to be more for the people I love, so that their lives will not be a misery when the time comes. Every other post before has been like this, but never have I embarked on such a mission, and apart from it feeling like a reality-TV-life-changing show, it does feel like a significant step towards my goal. The biggest challenge has not come yet, but it is a step in the positive direction.

Other step in the positive direction was the Mahler Adagietto I attended. I saw my cello teacher and my conductor, and all the nostalgia came rushing back. My dreams of becoming the Captain of a ship feels more attainable than the list of obsessions I previously had: Doctor, Athlete, Lawyer, Actor, Director, Radio DJ, Journalist, Rock Star, Conductor.

I'm starting to dream again.

somewhere a clock is ticking:
12:47 AM

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It has been over 5 months since my last post. That post came the day before I enlisted into BMT. Now I have moved on to the Midshipman Wing, ready to progress to the next stage of my life. I have not made much of an effort to put down my thoughts as I did once, but now I find myself with more time to think and write. I should be writing, with my matriculation happening this time next year. And the path I have chosen means I have to shake off the rough and rugged lifestyle of the Infantry, and don a new set of clothes. A new life.

I'm afraid, as always. I know not what lies ahead, but I have probably said this before. I'll keep going. I need to be happy.

Now, the more I look into the future, the more I begin to find that life lacks real meaning if you do not spend it enjoying the company of the people around you, and if you do not do meaningful things. As cliched as it sounds, making people happy makes you happy. But what happens when you begin to find everything mundane? I must not allow my life to become aimless.

somewhere a clock is ticking:
5:40 PM

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Waves

Night falls over the chill like waves

washing over this dirt, this dirt

My river flows, it flows with wonder

at the sight of your sweet heart

And now as I lay, looking towards

the bottom of a bottomless

Ocean, I see the ripples of joy

dance around my dreams

These waves, these waves

Fly away, fly away, and it finds you

These waves, these waves

Wash away, wash away your pain

The seconds slip off my fingertips

and fragments of twisted light break

And jolt you awake, awake as I pass

the evening wind into your hands

And now as I lay, looking towards

the sky above, the darkness around these

Stars, I see the light of your love

dance around my dreams

These waves, these waves

Fly away, fly away, and it finds you

These waves, these waves

Wash away, wash away your pain

The lights above

reflected in the sea below

Dance with joy as

The waves cleanse our souls

These souls entwined in the water,

these souls keep hold of each other

These souls entwined in the water,

these souls share warmth now and ever

Now and ever.

somewhere a clock is ticking:
11:57 PM

As my free time draws to a close, I tend to think about how I should have exercised more, or continued swimming, but naahhhhh I don't really care.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Gareth's last post before I enter army. Or maybe, second last post. I don't know yet. Either way, it won't be long till I meet my doom, even though some might think it'll do some good for me.

The last few weeks have been spent lazing around at home doing nothing much except playing games on the computer and watching dramas. Occasionally, I would go out with friends if they felt like going out with me (yes that's how it works these days, in my kingdom), and if I'm lucky, get invited over to their place. Still, I had a good time doing whatever with my friends cos it was spent with close friends man.

I caught a gay play lately, and then the next day I went out with JT, HL and other half for a fattening outing. Not a good idea to go out with girls after a gay play, cos they'll really think you've become gay. Just ask Naomi. Anyway, the play, or should I say, plays (because there were 3. Excellent value for money), were amazing. I think Naomi enjoyed it more than I did, because of the gays. I don't know what's with her and gays. I think I enjoyed the middle play more than the rest because this Nicholas Tee guy, who acted as Benjamin, made me laugh so hard that I uh... ... well he made me laugh hard. Usually people who act his character turn out pretty bad, but he played it very well, and he knew how to save himself from certain doom at times.

Lately, I took neoprints again for the first time in a long time. I conclude that I look gay, although some people actually think I look good. To those people, I say "aww really". And just yesterday, I saw Alice in Wonderland. Call me demanding, but I was actually expecting spectacular, but all I got was slight less than that, but spectacular nonetheless. The Red Queen (or Wed Qween as she would say it) was rather funny, and it was an okay performance form Johnny Depp as the Madhatter. Then there was Alice. This actress we have never come across did quite well, but I think Naomi and I agree she was rather skanky as the character. Half the time she was exploding out of her clothes. Not that it bothered me.

And then there's today. Well, I think today's going to be great. Too bad it won't last.

somewhere a clock is ticking:
2:12 PM

Thursday, February 25, 2010

somewhere a clock is ticking:
1:48 AM

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'm sick of staying here. Life here is mundane and repetitive, and it's difficult as well. Money is hard to earn, life is hard to live. If ever I had the chance to move away, I'd go as far away as possible. According to some personality quiz thing on facebook, I'm content with my life. Perhaps that quiz thing is wrong. Perhaps I want more than sun all year round, floods on random days, traffic jams everywhere. Traffic everywhere. I want open space. Perhaps I've lived here too long.

I think I've said before in my one of my older posts that I want to live a simple life. I think that view has changed of late. I think now, I want to live a comfortable life. I guess simple never actually meant farms and chickens, just hassle free, no jams, no need to pay for everything, no need to bother about every little thing. Just living simple with no worry about deadlines and expectations. Maybe a holiday might have done me some good but again there's the money issue, and no one besides my parents would want to go with me anyway.

But what are the chances of that kind of life happening? It looks like I'm destined to stay here forever. I hope not though. Maybe one day I'll get the chance, but for now, I'll have to bite the bullet of sorts. Betray my feelings, wipe my emotions clean, become numb. I suppose that might work. Then I can live in my own idyllic world where no one can bother me. No no, I'm not being ignorant or whatever degrading thing you might conjure up in your mind. I would just prefer it if nothing bothered me.

somewhere a clock is ticking:
11:55 PM